


I'll be here until you're okay

by yayoichi



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, John Laurens Gets a Hug, John Laurens needs a Hug, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Translation Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 20:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21282443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yayoichi/pseuds/yayoichi
Summary: With the death anniversary of John's mother approaching, he's consumed by fear and panic he can't contain.  Alexander was busy, so he wasn't there to distract him.Thomas comes back to their dorm room and finds his roommate curled up on the floor.[Translated intoRussianby bun with sugar]
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & John Laurens, Thomas Jefferson/John Laurens
Comments: 1
Kudos: 59





	I'll be here until you're okay

It's May 20, a few days until the death anniversary of John’s mother.

During the days leading up to his mother’s death anniversary, he would keep himself busy. He fixates over his hobbies and Alex, Laf, and Herc would spend time with him to keep him occupied. If he gives himself a moment to think about it, he would break.

He would constantly pick up his sketchbook and attempt to draw anything, but he couldn’t seem to create anything.

John couldn’t pour himself on painting because he would end up being alone with his thoughts. At times like this, he didn’t do well alone. That’s why he would spend time with Alex. With Alex by his side, he could forget. Forget how lost he felt when his mother died. But Alex isn’t here.

Alex has dinner plans with the Washingtons - his parental figures. Alex offered to cancel his plans to stay with him. He wanted to accept the offer. He knew he needed to accept the offer for his sake. But he declined because he didn’t want to make Alex feel obligated to spend time with him.

He stared at his sketchbook and the art supplies that were strewn about his desk. He reached out his hand for a pen and found he was shaking. He rose from his desk as he glanced at his bed. He held onto the edge of his desk trying to steady himself.

He staggered his way to his bed, but his knees gave out. A tear broke free, the rest followed like a steady stream. He covered his mouth with his palm in an attempt to battle the oncoming sobs. His shoulders heaved and shook. He stayed on the floor, curled up and crying. He didn’t even consider getting up.

He heard his phone rang.

He ignored it. It couldn’t possibly be anything important. Alex was eating dinner and their other friends were busy with their plans. He focused on his breathing to establish a pattern. With every breath he took, it felt like small shards of glass were piercing his lungs.

With the deafening sound of his pulse, he didn’t register the sound of the door opening.

“Laurens?” a familiar voice called, “what the hell?” followed by the sound of something hitting the floor.

“Hey,” he spoke again, his voice was very soft and it finally broke through his haze.

“Thomas..?” John whispered, his voice hoarse.

Why is Thomas here already? He always came back late. He was always out, he was either in the library, with James Madison or at a party. Why did he have to come back early now?

“Laurens, what’s wrong?” Thomas asked as he walked over to kneel on the ground beside John. “Are you hurt?”

John glanced at Thomas and he quickly averted his gaze. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his roommate. They rarely interacted. Now, Thomas is here witnessing him having a panic attack, how embarrassing that is.

“Nothing,” he propped himself up with his elbow.

Thomas’s shoulders tensed and raised both of his arms and hovered beside John.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine, I’m perfectly fi-”

“You’re obviously not fine,” he grabbed John’s shoulders to try to move him upright. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s… wrong?” John repeated as his shoulders relaxed. He looked around the floor and his eyes settled on Thomas’s arms.

_ Why did you have to buy that for Jack? It’s a waste of time. _

_ Jacky, don’t listen to your father. _

_ You have the heart of an artist. _

_ You will make astonishing artworks. I’m sure of it. _

“Laurens, stay with me,” Thomas said, shaking him. “Please.”

John clenched his eyes shut, his breathing is getting erratic again. He holds onto his sweater and clenched his fist. He feels like he is dying. ‘ _ Maybe that would be better.’ _

The sensation of Thomas tugging him into a tight embrace breaks through his daze.

He opened his eyes and moved his head to his right, where Thomas rested his chin on John’s shoulder.

“Breath,” Thomas said.

John could feel the rise and fall of Thomas’s chest. He closed his eyes again and breaths carefully, mimicking Thomas’s breathing, even though the feeling of shards of glass piercing his lungs remained. When he finally managed to steady his breathing, he opened his eyes.

He almost flinched when he saw Thomas’s face a few inches away from his own. Their eyes met, he couldn’t look away when he saw the worry in Thomas’s eyes.

The silence between them seemed to go on for an awkward eternity. As much as he didn’t want to let go, he slowly pulled away from Thomas. He thought of how uncomfortable Thomas is right now.

Halfway through, Thomas stopped him. He held onto John’s arms to keep him close. “What was that?” he asked as he pulled the sleeve of his sweater to his palm, then wiped John’s cheeks.

Again, John could only stare at his roommate. He blinks repeatedly, thinking of how to answer. John smiled and hold onto Thomas’s arm which made him stop wiping John’s cheek. “It’s nothing you have to worry about. It’s just something that happens.”

“God… Laurens,” Thomas sighed and lowered his hand, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m fine.”

“Laurens, how can you say that was nothing?” Thomas stood up and extended his hand to John.

John took his hand and Thomas helped him walk to his bed. John sat at the edge of his bed.

Thomas squat down in front of him, “You don’t have to tell me anything. But if you need someone, don’t hesitate to reach out.” He stood again, “I won’t find it a bother.”

“Thomas,” John grabbed Thomas’s sleeve. His lips trembled, hesitating to speak again, “My mother’s death anniversary is in a few days. It’s always been difficult for me at this time of the year.”

Thomas gently stroke the top of John’s head.

John smiled. He didn’t say sorry like how other people do when they found out about his mother. “Thomas…”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from cavetown's Talk To Me.


End file.
